Tuesday, November 10, 2009


I am 29 years old and I am going gray.  Really, I have more than my fair share of gray hairs already.  I'd like to blame it on genetics - my great-grandmother had gone completely white well before she hit 29.  But I don't think genetics is the answer in this case.  No, I blame my five year old.

Camden is a wild man.  He is also sweet and loving and fun.

I believe that the Lord gives us prompting - even warnings - through the Spirit.  And I believe He's been giving me some pretty strong warnings about this boy for quite some time.  As in, since he was a newborn.  I've known since Camden was born that, despite the fact that he was my quiet, calm, easy baby (the complete opposite of his brother), I was going to have to be very careful and protective of him.

See, I have nightmares.  Not the kind of nightmares you have after watching a scary movie (I don't do that) or telling ghost stories by the campfire (I'd rather sing silly songs).  No, I have very powerful nightmares, and they are always about Camden.

When he was tiny I used to have dreams of him disappearing from his crib.  I'd go to check on him in the middle of the night and instead of my sweet baby I would be greeted by a scary adult hand coming out of the crib to grab at me.  Or I would hear him crying and I would get up to go take care of him.  Only he wouldn't be in his crib, the cries would be coming from the basement.  And I would know, as I got to the top of the stairs, that somebody had him down there, and I was alone, and if I went down they would hurt me and then I wouldn't be able to save my baby.  Or even let anyone know he was in danger.  I spent many sleepless nights, even after he started sleeping through the night, just watching my baby sleep.  Because those dreams were so scary.

It's been a few years since I last dreamed about Camden being harmed.  But last night my Camden nightmares came back.  Last night, in my dream, I watched him fall two stories to the concrete floor below.  Thankfully, I woke up as I was running to where he would have landed, so at least I was spared the image of my little boy on the ground after that fall.  It was terrible enough as it was.

I can't help but wonder, what does this all mean?  Why do I dream such horrible things about my sweet little boy?  And it's not because I'm a crazy, paranoid parent (I hope!).  Have I ever dreamed that Jake was in danger?  No, not once.  But Camden, all the time.

I think I am being warned.  He is a special little boy.  He is smart and cute and has incredible energy and charisma.  I have no doubt that he is going to go very far in life.  But he is fearless.  He thinks the crime is worth the punishment.  He doesn't believe me when I tell him something is dangerous or will hurt.  He'd rather discover those things for himself.  And I have to watch him like a hawk.  Because he is a great kid and will be a great man.  As long as I can get him safely to adulthood.

Sometimes I worry that I won't be up to the task.  But as much as I hate having nightmares about my baby, I also have to give thanks for them.  As scary as it is to wake up convinced that my little boy just fell two stories, I am grateful that it didn't really happen.  And I am grateful for the warnings I receive, as his mother, to watch and care for this special little boy.  I know that because of these dreams I pay more attention and am more careful to watch and to teach him to watch for danger.

I just wish these warnings would be a little less stressful for me.  My hair can't take it.


AJoyfulBabyBowtique said...

wow nug. being a mom is such a powerful thing. everytime you describe C. i think of my M. with the wildness and how the crime is worth the punishment! and our J's are much alike too. Love u.

Susan said...

Sweetheart, I'm so sorry about the nightmares. You might remember my recurring nightmare was that Amy drowned. I would be sick for days every time I had one. And I know you are right to heed the warnings. The Holy Ghost is trying to protect Cam the best he can. He is such a special, fearless little man. I love you all.

Cailean said...

You are so wise to see the meanings behind what the Lord sends us as trials. I would definitely describe your nightmares as trials! You have a special boys and it takes a special mom to raise them right and it's so obvious you're doing a wonderful job. And you're a wonderful writer! I can see you publishing a book of essays about motherhood, seriously!

Belkycita said...

I'm with Cailean on the writing. As for the nightmares, I've had them and I don't like them.
What is better than receiving those warnings is the fact that you are very aware of them. With your little body no one can tell how strong you are! You are capable to brig him to adulthood and much more!

Love you!

sochie said...

thank you for sharing that. being a mom is the most powerful, rewarding, greatest job but it is also the HARDEST thing I have ever had to do. you worry and worry and worry some more about your children your heart is always so heavy filled with love for them and you want nothing but the best for them and to have a fair chance at life. I think that is the scariest part of it all, the worry i mean. your right, you dont know what will happen but you can love them and do your best to protect them and Heavenly Father will take care of the rest. I think that just recognizing the warning means that already you are ahead of the game.

odysseyqueen said...

Your C and my L are both what I'd like to call 'experiential' children. They never learn or believe what you tell them. They have to experience it for themselves. And despite all our fears and worries and nightmares, they still seem to survive! Nothing harder than watching our children go through the struggles of living!

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